I Am Who I Am. I Know What I Know. It Is What It Is.
Finding Space to Accept, Let Go, and Move Forward
Have we ever noticed how much we say to ourselves throughout the day?
“I can't do this.”
“This is horrible.”
“I'm failing.”
“I'm tired.”
Sometimes these words come so naturally that we hardly recognize we're saying them. They may reflect how we're feeling in a particular moment, and somewhere along the way, we begin treating these thoughts as facts.
And when we believe everything our thoughts tell us, we may find ourselves feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or uncertain about how to move forward.
Think about something that happened days or even weeks ago. We keep thinking about it. We replay the conversation, remember what someone said, or think about what we wish we had done differently.
Before we know it, we're getting madder and madder, feeling more hurt, frustrated, and sometimes even hopeless.
The situation may be over, and we're still carrying it.
What if we gave ourselves permission to pause and consider another way of looking at things?
One phrase I've been practicing as a personal reminder and anchor is:
“I am who I am. I know what I know. It is what it is.”
At first glance, these words may seem simple, perhaps even dismissive. When we look at them more closely, they offer us a chance to accept ourselves, acknowledge our experiences, and recognize what we can and cannot control.
Three Simple Statements, Three Opportunities for Growth
I am who I am.
This is about accepting ourselves as we are today, including our strengths, imperfections, experiences, and the parts of ourselves that are still growing.
We don't have to have everything figured out to recognize our worth. We're not perfect, and we don't have to be. We can appreciate who we are while remaining open to who we're becoming.
I know what I know.
We make decisions based on what we understand and what we have experienced at that time.
Looking back, we may wish we had known more, responded differently, or recognized something sooner.
It's often easier to see things clearly after they've happened.
Recognizing this can help us be a little less critical of ourselves.
What have we learned? What do we understand differently now? How can we use that knowledge moving forward?
It is what it is.
Perhaps this is the most challenging part.
Acceptance doesn't mean we approve of what happened, agree with someone's behavior, or give up on the possibility of change.
It means recognizing what has happened rather than spending all our energy fighting against something we cannot undo.
We can feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, or uncertain without allowing those feelings to make every decision for us.
Sometimes accepting what has happened gives us the space we need to decide what comes next.
When Our Thoughts Begin to Shape Our Reality
Our minds are constantly trying to make sense of the world around us.
As humans, we like to find meaning in our experiences. We want to understand why something happened, what it means, and sometimes who or what is to blame.
When something difficult happens, our thoughts can quickly create a story about it.
A challenging conversation becomes, “I always say the wrong thing.”
A mistake at work becomes, “I'm not good enough.”
An overwhelming day becomes, “I can't handle anything.”
And sometimes, the worst explanation feels more believable than a helpful or hopeful one.
Does this mean we're choosing to be negative? Or have we become so used to thinking a certain way that we hardly notice we're doing it?
Our brains naturally pay attention to possible danger and problems. This helps protect us. When we're dealing with a lot of stress, worry, or depression, it can become harder to see other possibilities.
The more familiar a thought becomes, the easier it may be to return to it.
So, an important question isn't simply whether we're having negative thoughts.
It's whether we're believing those thoughts without questioning them.
For example, consider the statement, “I'm failing.”
Are we truly failing, or are we going through something difficult?
Could we be learning, making adjustments, grieving, or dealing with more than we usually do?
Changing the way we speak to ourselves doesn't mean pretending that life is easy. It means recognizing that one difficult experience doesn't have to define who we are.
Our Brains Can Learn New Ways of Thinking
Here's something encouraging: our brains are not fixed.
They can learn, change, and develop new habits throughout our lives.
This ability is called neuroplasticity.
Let's make that a little easier to understand.
Think about the suggested words that appear when we're typing a text message on our phones.
As we type, our phones may begin suggesting words or phrases we've used before. Sometimes the suggestion is exactly what we were going to say because we've typed something similar so many times.
Now imagine how often we repeat certain thoughts to ourselves.
“I can't do this.”
“Something bad is going to happen.”
“Nothing ever works out for me.”
Our brains aren't smartphones, of course. Still, there's something similar about how repeated experiences can make certain responses feel automatic.
Our brains contain billions of tiny cells called neurons. Think of them as messengers that communicate with one another. They help us learn, remember, think, feel, and respond to what happens around us.
When we practice something repeatedly, the connections between these cells can change. Some become stronger, making it easier for our brains to do something we've practiced before.
This is part of how we learn to drive, ride a bike, remember a favorite song, or become comfortable doing something that once felt difficult.
And it doesn't only happen with helpful habits.
Our brains can also become very good at returning to worry, fear, and self-criticism.
When Stress and Worry Become Habits
Think about what happens when we've been stressed for a long time.
Perhaps we're worried about money, having problems in a relationship, managing too many responsibilities, or feeling uncertain about the future.
We start thinking about everything that could go wrong.
We replay conversations.
We imagine problems before they happen.
We question our decisions.
We think about the worst possible outcome.
And before long, worry can begin to feel normal.
Researchers sometimes call this maladaptive plasticity.
That's a complicated term for something fairly simple: our brains can learn patterns that aren't helping us.
When we're dealing with ongoing stress, our brains may become more alert to possible problems. Anxiety can make uncertainty feel threatening, while depression can make it harder to notice hope, motivation, or the possibility that things can improve.
This isn't something we intentionally teach ourselves, and it doesn't mean we're doing something wrong.
Our brains are responding to what we've been experiencing.
And here's the important part:
A thought or response that has become familiar doesn't have to stay that way forever.
Our brains can continue learning new ways to respond, even after difficult experiences.
How CBT and Mindfulness Can Help
If our brains can become used to worry and negative thinking, can we help them learn healthier ways to respond?
Yes.
Two approaches that can help are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness, with a little bit of Radical Acceptance sprinkled in. 😉 That's a conversation for another day!
CBT: Learning to Question What We're Telling Ourselves
CBT helps us understand how our thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected.
Imagine making a mistake at work.
Our first thought might be, “I'm terrible at my job.”
We begin feeling embarrassed, discouraged, or anxious. Maybe we start questioning our abilities or avoiding certain responsibilities because we're afraid of making another mistake.
CBT encourages us to stop and look at the thought more closely.
Is this really true?
Am I looking at the whole situation?
Am I allowing one mistake to define everything about me?
Could there be another way to understand what happened?
Instead of telling ourselves, “I'm terrible at my job,” we might say:
“I made a mistake. I don't like that it happened, and I can learn from it.”
Notice that we're not pretending the mistake didn't happen.
We're acknowledging it without turning it into a judgment about our worth.
When we practice questioning thoughts and responding differently, we give our brains opportunities to build new habits.
Over time, it may become easier to see more than one side of a situation.
Mindfulness: Learning to Notice Without Reacting Right Away
Mindfulness takes a slightly different approach.
Rather than immediately trying to change a thought, we practice noticing it.
Imagine having a difficult day and thinking, “I can't do this.”
Instead of allowing that thought to take over, we pause.
Maybe we take a breath.
We notice how our bodies feel.
We recognize that we're frustrated, overwhelmed, or tired.
And we remind ourselves:
“I'm having the thought that I can't do this.”
There is a difference between having a thought and believing that thought is the truth.
That small pause gives us a chance to respond rather than react.
Some studies suggest that mindfulness can help with stress, attention, and managing emotions. Researchers have also looked at how mindfulness may affect the way different parts of our brains work together. There's still more to learn about the changes that happen in the brain itself.
What we can practice in everyday life is simple: noticing what's happening, allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, and deciding how we want to respond.
We may not always control the thoughts that come into our minds, and we can practice deciding what we do with them.
Reframing Doesn't Mean Ignoring What Hurts
Sometimes when we talk about changing our thoughts, it can sound like we're supposed to ignore our feelings or convince ourselves that everything is okay.
That isn't the goal.
If we're exhausted, we can acknowledge that we're exhausted.
If something hurts, we can recognize that it hurts.
If we're disappointed, we can give ourselves space to feel disappointed.
We don't need to argue with our feelings.
We can, however, consider whether the words we're using are making the situation even harder.
“I'm tired” can become, “I'm tired, and I need some rest.”
“This is horrible” can become, “This is really difficult, and I can think about what to do next.”
“I'm failing” can become, “I'm having a hard time, and that doesn't mean I haven't made progress.”
These small changes don't erase what we're going through.
They give us some breathing room.
And sometimes that little bit of space is enough to help us calm ourselves, see something differently, or make a decision that feels better for us.
Practicing What I Share: What I've Learned in Two Weeks
As a counselor, I value trying the strategies I share with others. I don't particularly like introducing an anchor or coping strategy without first exploring how it works in my own life. This helps me better understand what went well, what challenges came up, and whether there are other ways to approach it.
For the past two weeks, I've been intentionally practicing:
“I am who I am. I know what I know. It is what it is.”
And I've noticed something meaningful.
I'm finding it easier to let go.
I'm feeling more confident in myself and more in control of how I respond to situations, even when I have little control over what's happening around me.
One of the biggest changes I've noticed is that I'm not as upset about change.
I'm learning that I don't have to like every situation or agree with everything that's happening to accept that it's happening.
I can acknowledge when something didn't go the way I hoped without continuing to carry the frustration.
And perhaps that's what letting go is really about?
It doesn't mean something didn't matter. It doesn't mean we weren't hurt or disappointed.
Sometimes it means deciding that we no longer want to give a situation so much of our time, energy, or peace of mind. It's way too valuable!
Two weeks isn't a long time, and I'm still practicing. I can't say that one phrase will work the same way for everyone, or every time. Maybe at some point I'll have to pivot, give myself grace, and find a new phrase. And that's okay.
What I can share is that this experience has helped me recognize how powerful a small pause and a different perspective can be.
I don't have to like every change to accept that change is happening. I can trust what I know, remain open to what I'm learning, and move forward with greater confidence.
Returning to Our Anchor
When life feels uncertain, we may want immediate answers, reassurance, or control over things that aren't entirely ours to manage.
This is where we can return to our anchor.
I am who I am. I can accept myself while continuing to grow.
I know what I know. I can appreciate what I've learned while remaining open to learning more.
It is what it is. I can accept what's happening without allowing it to control what happens next.
We don't have to solve every problem today.
We don't have to believe every thought that enters our minds.
And we don't have to wait until life feels settled before taking a step forward.
Sometimes it starts with recognizing the words we've been saying to ourselves and asking whether those words are helping us or keeping us stuck.
Maybe we can consider another possibility.
Maybe we can give ourselves permission to let something go.
And maybe we can begin to recognize that accepting what is doesn't mean giving up on what could be.
Acceptance gives us a place to begin. Awareness gives us choices. And with practice, we can find new ways to cope, respond, and move forward.
Growth doesn't always begin with changing our circumstances. Sometimes it begins with changing how we relate to them.
A Final Thought: What Are We Ready to Let Go?
So, here's something to think about: What have we been holding on to, and how might our lives feel different if we gave ourselves permission to let it go?
Resources & Further Reading
For anyone interested in learning more about how our brains learn, how thoughts influence our emotions, and ways to manage stress:
Cleveland Clinic — Brainwork: The Power of Neuroplasticity
An explanation of how our brains continue to learn, adapt, and change throughout our lives.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/neuroplasticity
Cleveland Clinic — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Explains how CBT helps us recognize unhelpful thought patterns and develop healthier ways of thinking and responding.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21208-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt
National Institutes of Health (NIH) — Meditation and Mindfulness: Effectiveness and Safety
An overview of research on mindfulness, meditation, stress, anxiety, depression, and how these practices may affect the brain.
https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation-and-mindfulness-effectiveness-and-safety